4 Rules of Communication: Attack the problem (Part 3)

It’s almost second nature to attack people rather than problems. We generally know it’s wrong. Especially when it’s the people we love most!

 

I love my wife. I really love her. I don’t want to hurt her or attack her. But when problems arise I tend to criticize her. Especially when it’s something serious like not having dinner ready on time or not reading my mind!

Rather than attack the people we love most, we need the third rule of communication. Attack the problem, not the person!

What does it mean to attack the problem, not the person?

To attack the problem, not the person, is to dig into the root of conflict. The problem is not actually your spouse! The problem might be misunderstanding, misalignment of values or purpose, or in many cases just selfishness.

Rule #3… ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON

Ephesians 4:29-30 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (NIV)

Here things to consider to help you attack the problem, not the person…

1. Avoid “unwholesome words”

  • Words that attack a person’s Character. (Matt. 5:21,22; name calling)
  • Tear down, rip apart or hinder growth. (James 3:5-12)
  • Clouds or bypasses the real issues.

 

2. Use “edifying” or “building up” communication. (4:15, 29)

  • Speak the truth in love and use words that stimulate growth
  • Use words that give “grace” (the desire/ability to do God’s will).
  • Use words that zero in on the conflict and are solution oriented.
  • Note: This rule can also be violated by tones and body language.

 

3. Six questions to ask before bringing up a sticky problem

  • Do I have the facts right? Prov. 18:13
  • Should love hide it? Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth? I Pet. 4:8
  • Is my timing right? Prov. 15:23b
  • Is my attitude right?  Am I trying to help the right person? Eph. 4:15
  • Are my words loving? Eph. 4:15
  • Have I prayed for God’s help? Prov. 3:5b “lean not on your own understanding”

QUESTION: How do you attack the problems in your marriage?

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Category: Marriage