Seems like human nature to passively react to what’s going on around us. This last rule of communication is not only essential in marriage, but applies to every relationship. The challenge is putting off the reactions and putting on the actions!

To act and not react in relationships is challenging, isn’t it! My wife is the greatest blessing in my life. But at times I have let pride and selfishness blind me from what’s most important… loving my wife. Love is about doing and not responding. Love is about the other person first and me second.

Rule #4… ACT, DON’T REACT!

Ephesians 4:31-32 says, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (NIV)

Here are the reactions. Through Jesus and the Holy Spirit these are to be “put off.” Followed by the actions, which are to be “put on.”

1. Reactions (v. 31) – attitudes & actions that need to be “put off”

• Bitterness: the refusal to treat someone as if they never hurt you.
• Wrath: flaring outbursts.
• Anger: hostility that frequently seeks revenge; the “slow burn.”
• Clamor: harsh contention and strife.
• Slander: speech that injures or abuses.
• Malice: desire to harm others or see them suffer.
• Note: The natural tendency of our sinful nature is to be defensive about dealing with our own sins (Eph. 4:31).
• Resource: Celebration of Discipline will introduce or help you deepen your roots in the practice of “putting off” and “putting on.”
• Question: what reaction do you struggle with most? Ask Jesus to change that from the inside out.

2. Actions (v. 32) – attitudes and actions that need to be “put on” to replace the reactions 

• Kind: benevolent, helpful, courteous.
• Tenderhearted: lit. “of good heartedness,” compassionate, sympathetic.
• Forgiving: to give up your right or claim to revenge, hold a grudge or get even.
• Note: Through God’s Spirit, we can and must be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving as a team (in marriage or friendship).
• Resource: Spiritual Maturity lays out principles for spiritual growth, which embody the concept of “putting on.”
• Question: In what way does God want you to act toward your spouse and/or friend? Ask Jesus to mold your heart with that action.

For THE Cause,

Ed Choy