Relationships are central to character development. That’s as true of us parents as it is of our child(ren)! Character is primarily shaped in our child(ren) in three relationships: God, self, and others.

In our home with three boys life goes by at lightening speed. School, church, sports, and friends in the neighborhood take enormous time and energy.

Who has time to shape character? Thankfully it’s not about adding something else. Character is primarily shaped in the context of relationships.

But character is usually not shaped by accident. The more intentional we are about the process the more likely character will be formed.

My wife and I have found the following 6 principles helpful in the shaping of character in our three boys:

#1: You’re Getting Them Ready to Leave From the Start!

From the first day with the nanny, babysitter, pre-school, or care taker you’re prepping your kids to LEAVE! What they need when they go is character.

We can’t buy built-in-character at Wal-Mart. Our goal is to prepare them for the situations that parents cannot anticipate. We simply won’t be there to help.

#2: The Challenge of Growing Independence

• School means growing independence from parents.
• Children will face new experiences that their parents will not be there to help them with.
• Children will be developing their own ideas about life.
• Your parental goal is to raise kids to leave your home.

#3: Defining the Character Issues

• There is behavior that is wrong but not necessarily defiant. i.e. Selfishness, which can be subtle.
• Loving others is the core character trait to instill in our kids. Pray for this daily.
• Make the most of every illustration of the following traits: honest, kind, helpful, considerate, loyal, hard-working, self-control, moral integrity. Celebrate when you see these in your kids or others.

#4: The Problem with Rules

• You cannot make enough rules to cover everything. Cannot anticipate every circumstance.
• Rules can help produce a self-righteous spirit in children. Can clean the outside but doesn’t change the heart.
• Children who can keep the rules on their own have no need of Jesus.

#5: Understanding Your Child

A few years ago my wife and I started taking an annual relational inventory of our children’s relationships. Each of our three boys are unique and SO different. They have different needs. And the character shaping for each one is unique.

We’ve developed questions to help us understand our children in the three critical relationships in his life. We try to do this during our summer vacation. This helps evaluate the last year, celebrate the wins, and prepare for the upcoming year.

1. Relationship to God.

• Focus on understanding what God means to your child.
• How do his actions and words indicate what he thinks about God and the Bible?
• Does he/she have a sense for their need for God?

2. Relationship to him/herself.

• Is he/she aware of his own strengths and weaknesses?
• Does he understand his own personality?
• Know that your child(ren) are uniquely shaped by God, no accidents!

3. His relationships with others.

• What kind of relationships does he/she have?
• What kind of kids are they attracted to be around?
• What are the strengths and weakness of these relationships?

#6: Benefits of this Type of Relational Analysis

• Character development needs conscious evaluation for growth to occur.
• Raising kids is a matter of character development.
• To do this well you must understand your children and the heart issues they struggle with.

Two books I HIGHLY recommend: Raising A Modern Day Knight (sons) and Raising A Modern Day Princess (daughters).

QUESTION: what has helped you develop character in your child(ren)?