The books I read in 2018 had a profound impact on my family, work, and ministry (top 10 reads from 2018 below). Setting goals, having a plan, and making that plan a priority can go a long way in personal growth. The start of a new year provides a great opportunity to do just that.
These are books I already have that are on my list for 2019.
Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary! It’s been incredible. And those who told us it would get better as time goes on… they were right!
Wedding Day May 26, 2001
Do we have a perfect marriage… NO! Do we have conflict… YES! Is it really getting better each year… YES!
–more–
Can you experience the same thing… MAYBE!
On our 13 year anniversary date May 26, 2014
Every marriage is as unique as the individuals that come together. You cannot possibly have the same experience my wife Laura and I have had. But you CAN stay happily married at least 13 years!
After a person’s relationship with God, the person they marry is THE MOST important decision in life.
The right spouse…
The wrong spouse…
I’ve been asked countless times, “How do I know if she/he is the one?” In other words, are they the right person?
Here are a few tips for discerning if that person is the right one for you:
Early in my friendship with Laura I asked her important questions. For example, “What do you think the role of a wife is in marriage?” “What kind of family do you want to have?” “What do you think about kids?” The answers to those questions helped me discern that we were on the same page.
Philosophy is the grid that guides decisions. It’s the way we see and interpret life. Having an aligned marriage philosophy is essential for a couple to stay happily married!
What does the right philosophy include?
Where do you get the “right” philosophy?
Examples: parents, mentors, those who have been married 10+ years, but especially those married 25+ years. Pick their brains and learn how they experience being happily married.
Books: Laura and I have been reading books on marriage and relationships since we first dated. Here are a few of the books we’ve read and recommend.
– a good place to start on the dating adventure. At the very least consider the purpose behind dating.
– My wife’s parents gave this to me when we started dating!
– a classic we still use with teens.
– Laura and I read this while dating. It’s the amazing testimony of Jim and Elizabeth Elliot. An ageless classic story.
– the title says it all. A little dense (maybe even boring) but solid biblical study on the topic.
– same as above. Read with discernment. We do not endorse this position completely.
– given to me while dating. Worth reading during that season, especially in a group discussion.
– this is a MUST READ book! The Eggerich’s ministry site is HERE. I wish we would have read this before our marriage. This is one of our standard wedding gifts. Our church has gone through the DVD conference/study and it’s not an overstatement to say it’s changed our marriage radically! Build your marriage on the philosophy laid out here and you will stay happily married!
– this is also a MUST READ book! I’ll be writing/reviewing more about this book soon.My wife and I are passionate about helping college students and young adults date and marry well. The experience we had with many mentors is likely why. We weren’t perfect. But with the input of many great people we had a blessed dating experience, engagement, and 13 years of marriage and counting.
Other than building and centering our lives around Jesus (THE key), three pieces of advice we heard during our engagement guide us. We took these to heart and have built our marriage around them. We write these in every wedding card we give.
You CAN be happily married at least 13 years. Be intentional. Work at it. Invest in it.
Seems like human nature to passively react to what’s going on around us. This last rule of communication is not only essential in marriage, but applies to every relationship. The challenge is putting off the reactions and putting on the actions!
To act and not react in relationships is challenging, isn’t it! My wife is the greatest blessing in my life. But at times I have let pride and selfishness blind me from what’s most important… loving my wife. Love is about doing and not responding. Love is about the other person first and me second.
Rule #4… ACT, DON’T REACT!
Ephesians 4:31-32 says, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (NIV)
Here are the reactions. Through Jesus and the Holy Spirit these are to be “put off.” Followed by the actions, which are to be “put on.”
1. Reactions (v. 31) – attitudes & actions that need to be “put off”
2. Actions (v. 32) – attitudes and actions that need to be “put on” to replace the reactions
For THE Cause,
Ed Choy
It’s almost second nature to attack people rather than problems. We generally know it’s wrong. Especially when it’s the people we love most!
I love my wife. I really love her. I don’t want to hurt her or attack her. But when problems arise I tend to criticize her. Especially when it’s something serious like not having dinner ready on time or not reading my mind!
Rather than attack the people we love most, we need the third rule of communication. Attack the problem, not the person!
What does it mean to attack the problem, not the person?
To attack the problem, not the person, is to dig into the root of conflict. The problem is not actually your spouse! The problem might be misunderstanding, misalignment of values or purpose, or in many cases just selfishness.
Rule #3… ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON
Ephesians 4:29-30 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (NIV)
Here things to consider to help you attack the problem, not the person…
1. Avoid “unwholesome words”
2. Use “edifying” or “building up” communication. (4:15, 29)
3. Six questions to ask before bringing up a sticky problem
QUESTION: How do you attack the problems in your marriage?
Rules have a tendency to feel restrictive. However, healthy relationships must practice the 4 rules of communication. Break any one of them and walls go up.
I love to keep current… with certain things. When it comes to my favorite teams, app updates, and oil changes I’m all over it. But to keep current in my marriage I have to work hard.
What does it mean to keep current?
To keep current means to deal with anything that causes anger or frustration. There are many times love must cover those minor irritations and idiosyncrasies. But when we feel disrespected, unloved, or mistreated, we have to deal with it before it drives a wedge or builds a wall between us and our spouse.
Rule #2… KEEP CURRENT
Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. (NIV)
If I break rule #2 Keep Current with my wife we both feel the strain in our relationship. Several times I’ve found myself sleepless at night. I knew I was about to break this rule and not keep current. So I rolled over, nudged my wife, and made sure we were current. This has led to some very late nights.
Here are three practical ways to apply this rule and a question to consider…
A GREAT resource that will help you get to the heart of communication struggles is War of Words by Paul Tripp. My wife and I went through this with a group and it was awesome!
QUESTION: How do you keep current with your husband/wife?
Communication is king in any relationship. Communication is king of kings in marriage. But playing by the rules is vital.
Let’s be honest about things. In our marriage I am the talkative, extrovert. Laura (my wife) usually knows how I feel. My wife is quiet, reserved, and gentle. Sounds good right, I talk, she listens! (except this would be breaking 1 of the 4 rules of communication!)
However, I realized years ago that our relationship was not deepening. Our intimacy didn’t seem or feel close. And our conversations often just dealt with surface issues. Honestly I didn’t know my wife’s love language. Find out how to learn your spouse’s love language here The Five Languages.
I’ve learned that good communication takes effort and intentionality. It only took me 13 years of marriage to figure that out! And all the effort and work is worth it!
What are the 4 Rules of Communication?
There are 4 rules of communication that are important for any relationship. These rules come right from the bible (Ephesians 4:25-32). These rules are especially important and essential for a thriving marriage.
Rule #1… BE HONEST
Ephesians 4:25 says, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (NIV)
Here are two things to consider, a few examples, and a question…
QUESTION: What is one area you tend not communicate honestly with your spouse about (i.e. how they make you feel, your feelings in general, your dreams, use of time, hobbies, or parenting philosophy, just to name a few)? How can you be more intentional about being honest in that area this week?