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4 Rules of Communication: Attack the problem (Part 3)

It’s almost second nature to attack people rather than problems. We generally know it’s wrong. Especially when it’s the people we love most!

 

I love my wife. I really love her. I don’t want to hurt her or attack her. But when problems arise I tend to criticize her. Especially when it’s something serious like not having dinner ready on time or not reading my mind!

Rather than attack the people we love most, we need the third rule of communication. Attack the problem, not the person!

What does it mean to attack the problem, not the person?

To attack the problem, not the person, is to dig into the root of conflict. The problem is not actually your spouse! The problem might be misunderstanding, misalignment of values or purpose, or in many cases just selfishness.

Rule #3… ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON

Ephesians 4:29-30 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (NIV)

Here things to consider to help you attack the problem, not the person…

1. Avoid “unwholesome words”

  • Words that attack a person’s Character. (Matt. 5:21,22; name calling)
  • Tear down, rip apart or hinder growth. (James 3:5-12)
  • Clouds or bypasses the real issues.

 

2. Use “edifying” or “building up” communication. (4:15, 29)

  • Speak the truth in love and use words that stimulate growth
  • Use words that give “grace” (the desire/ability to do God’s will).
  • Use words that zero in on the conflict and are solution oriented.
  • Note: This rule can also be violated by tones and body language.

 

3. Six questions to ask before bringing up a sticky problem

  • Do I have the facts right? Prov. 18:13
  • Should love hide it? Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth? I Pet. 4:8
  • Is my timing right? Prov. 15:23b
  • Is my attitude right?  Am I trying to help the right person? Eph. 4:15
  • Are my words loving? Eph. 4:15
  • Have I prayed for God’s help? Prov. 3:5b “lean not on your own understanding”

QUESTION: How do you attack the problems in your marriage?

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4 Rules of Communication: Keep Current (Part 2)

Rules have a tendency to feel restrictive. However, healthy relationships must practice the 4 rules of communication. Break any one of them and walls go up.

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I love to keep current… with certain things. When it comes to my favorite teams, app updates, and oil changes I’m all over it. But to keep current in my marriage I have to work hard.

What does it mean to keep current?

To keep current means to deal with anything that causes anger or frustration. There are many times love must cover those minor irritations and idiosyncrasies. But when we feel disrespected, unloved, or mistreated, we have to deal with it before it drives a wedge or builds a wall between us and our spouse.

Rule #2… KEEP CURRENT

Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. (NIV)

If I break rule #2 Keep Current with my wife we both feel the strain in our relationship. Several times I’ve found myself sleepless at night. I knew I was about to break this rule and not keep current. So I rolled over, nudged my wife, and made sure we were current. This has led to some very late nights.

Here are three practical ways to apply this rule and a question to consider…

  1. Get angry, but don’t sin. Lying (v. 25) is sin; anger (v. 26) may not be. Anger is sinful when it is use to attack others (Prov. 25:28) or self (stewing about the problem). Failure to solve problems daily means we are giving a place, or a foothold, to Satan – this opens the way for disappointment, resentment, bitterness, and even hatred.
  2. Do not cut off communication. Proactively seek solutions. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Think about what’s important. Don’t threaten, explode, erupt, or bottom line (“All I have to say is . . .”).
  3. Deal with problems today. Putting up walls just doesn’t make relationships better. Tear them down by dealing with anger.

A GREAT resource that will help you get to the heart of communication struggles is War of Words by Paul Tripp. My wife and I went through this with a group and it was awesome!

QUESTION: How do you keep current with your husband/wife?

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4 Rules of Communication: Be Honest (Part 1)

Communication is king in any relationship. Communication is king of kings in marriage. But playing by the rules is vital.

Let’s be honest about things. In our marriage I am the talkative, extrovert.  Laura (my wife) usually knows how I feel. My wife is quiet, reserved, and gentle. Sounds good right, I talk, she listens! (except this would be breaking 1 of the 4 rules of communication!)

However, I realized years ago that our relationship was not deepening. Our intimacy didn’t seem or feel close. And our conversations often just dealt with surface issues. Honestly I didn’t know my wife’s love language. Find out how to learn your spouse’s love language here The Five Languages.

I’ve learned that good communication takes effort and intentionality. It only took me 13 years of marriage to figure that out! And all the effort and work is worth it!

What are the 4 Rules of Communication?

There are 4 rules of communication that are important for any relationship. These rules come right from the bible (Ephesians 4:25-32). These rules are especially important and essential for a thriving marriage.

Rule #1… BE HONEST

Ephesians 4:25 says, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (NIV)

Here are two things to consider, a few examples, and a question…

  1. Speaking truthfully is an active command. Honesty is more than not lying! It’s actively telling your spouse what’s true, sharing openly what’s bothering or troubling you.
  2. Problems cannot be solved unless you express them. You don’t want to attack your spouse (we’ll deal with that in rule #3). But you do want to address problems, frustrations, and conflict. Don’t let the small irritation become a wedge in your relationship.
  3. Examples. (1) Outright lying is out. Bad idea! (2) Conflict between our body language or tone and the content of what we say is out. (3) Disguising the message, passive-aggression, and/or innuendos is out.

QUESTION: What is one area you tend not communicate honestly with your spouse about (i.e. how they make you feel, your feelings in general, your dreams, use of time, hobbies, or parenting philosophy, just to name a few)? How can you be more intentional about being honest in that area this week?

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Leading on Purpose: Ed Choy’s New Website

Everyone ends up somewhere in life. A few people end up somewhere on purpose. When I read that quote from Andy Stanley years ago (in Visioneering) I realized I had to get intentional in several areas of my life. That’s why I’m starting this new website, to share what I’ve learned and am learning about living on purpose!

leading-on-purpose-ed-choy-new-website

WHAT am I going to write about?
My passion is Leading on Purpose! Three subtopics will make up the majority of my posts: Self Leadership, Family Leadership, and Ministry Leadership.

I hope to include guest posts, interviews, and reviews. If you have a topic related to the BIG THREE above that you’d be interested in reading about let me know.

WHY this blog? Three things fuel my motivation…

1. BLESS. I’ve been blessed in so many ways. Every blessing is meant to be shared and paid forward (otherwise would I really be leading on purpose?). The blessing of mentoring, coaching, reading, education, and of course experience that I’ve received will be shared here. My hope is that it will not only bless you, but through blessing you many others will be blessed through you.

2. CONVERSATION. A blog provides a mechanism for feedback. Every post will welcome and encourage conversation as we move towards leading on purpose as a community. Through the conversation my hope is that a sense of community will be shared and we will all learn through the process.

3. ARCHIVE. This will help a It provides an archive of communications This feature allows you to catch up if you have missed some of my posts. I think it might also prove helpful to new employees, allowing them to read the entries that interest them whenever they have the opportunity or interest.

HOW OFTEN am I going to post?
I anticipate writing a new post at least once a week and up to several per week. I honestly can’t predict the frequency. As I learn and develop this site my hope is to be consistent, effective, and helpful. Your feedback and comments will help.

Please do provide me with feedback. I want to hear “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” If you disagree with me or want to provide an alternative perspective, go for it! If you are uncomfortable using your real name, use an alias. The important thing is to tell me what’s on your mind and keep the conversations going.

How are you leading on purpose today? Tell me one thing in the comment area below.